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Be careful what you say. WikiLeaks is listening…

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WikiLeaksA Satire

I suppose you are all wondering what it was that Defense Secretary, Robert Gates said that turned Reverend Terry Jones away from the terrible course he and his small band of followers at the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, had set for themselves.

A transcript of an audio file, occasioned by the phone conversation between Secretary Gates and Reverend Jones, was released Friday by Julian Assange of WikiLeaks.  Rev. Jones has emphatically denied the contents of the transcript, characterizing it as “…a fraud perpetrated by the Devil worshiping Muslims.”  Sec. Gates was unavailable for comment.  WikiLeaks promised that a downloadable audio file of key portions of the conversation will be made available on their site soon. 

Here then is the conversation:

Sec. Gates: (to secretary) Damn Helen, get this guy Jones on the phone toot suite. I’ll get this thing straightened out once and for all.  If it’s anything I can’t stand it’s loose cannons.

Helen:  Dialing that number now, Mr. Secretary.

Sec. Gates: (sound of quiet whistling “Hail to the Chief” as the phone rings through)

Rev. Jones: Hello, Reverend Terry Jones speaking.  Praise be to Jesus, only Son of God.

Sec. Gates: Yes. Hello. Praise be to Jesus back at you sir, er Reverend.  This is Secretary Defense, Robert Gates calling.  I wonder if I might have a word with you, sort of off the record?

Rev. Jones:  Why certainly yes, Mr. Gates.  We can drop all that official falderal.  You can just call me Terry.  How may I help you?  You know I am a big supporter of your wars against the Muslim Satanists.

Sec. Gates: Well, reverend, that’s what I called you about.  My feeling is that your plans to burn the Koran may actually be counterproductive in our war against the extremist terrorists, er Islam.

Rev. Jones: Well now, how in the name of our Lord and Savior could that be.  You know there is no bigger supporter of your wars against those dirty little Godless pagans than your servant right here in the great state of Florida.

Sec. Gates: Well, yes sir, copy that.  It’s just that that is my point and the reason for this call, er, Terry.  Are you familiar with the expression, “letting the cat out of the bag”?

Rev. Jones: Well yes I am fully aware of worldly expressions—actually more than I would care to be.  But what are you getting at, Bob?  May I call you Bob?

Sec. Gates: Certainly Terry.  Well here’s the issue.  Speaking off the record—you do know that if you breathe a word about this conversation, it will be denied.  Is that clear?

Rev. Jones: Yes Bob.

Sec. Gates: Crystal clear?

Rev. Jones: Yes, I know there are things you cannot say.  Leadership has its burdens—God knows.

Sec. Gates: Well, as you know, we are not only battling the so-called radical Muslims, but all Muslims.  Copy?

Rev. Jones: Amen, brother Bob.  Who needs Sharia Law in place of the Bible in this holy land?

Sec. Gates: Well then, let me get right to the point Reverend, er Terry.  We are barely holding our own in the battle against the atheists, the Muslims, the gays and the Liberals.  We can’t have them thinking we are out to get them all.  We have to make them think we are on their side.  That’s why we can’t have guys like you getting the moderates in these groups all upset with us.

Rev. Jones: Yes, brother, but when does this become accommodation and pandering to the Godless? To use another worldly expression, “If you lie down with dogs. You get up with fleas.”

Sec. Gates: Well Terry, that is my problem and I know I will have to answer to Jesus on the last day.

Rev. Jones: Amen.

Sec. Gates: Now you know we are doing all we can in service to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  The Commandant, er General Petraeus encourages Christian prayer by the troops and the distribution of Bibles and missionary materials to those serving in Iraq and Afghanistan.  We make sure non-believers are pretty (excuse me) damn clear that their ideas will find no fertile soil in the hearts of our Christian soldiers.

Rev. Jones: Praise be to Jesus.  And the use of “damn” is, in this case, totally Biblical.

Sec. Gates: Thanks. I might also remind you that we are not against burning a Koran or two.  You are certainly familiar with the reports about our interrogation centers in Iraq and Guantanamo.  Well sir, I’m here to tell you, those reports are true.  The difference between, burning a Koran in the privacy of our torture and rape rooms to destroy a Godless Muslim is something both the President and I are not against.  But doing it in public, where our true motives are out there for all to see… well Terry, that is nothing more than bad judgment, in my opinion.

Rev. Jones: I see.

Sec. Gates: We have to proceed slowly and carefully in our battles for Jesus Christ.  At all cost we must keep the cat in the bag.  We are counting on the President’s good will to keep the moderates sedated—both the religious moderates, Muslim, Jewish and Christian and the Liberals.  We are making inroads.  We encourage Christian missionaries to spread the Gospel in Muslim countries and Christians to spread the word of Christ under the guise of aid and relief work in those countries ruled by Satan.

Rev. Jones: I thought Obama was a Muslim.

Sec. Gates: Don’t you believe it.  We decided to let that little bit of disinfo slide because it is very useful in keeping his leftist supporters in line.   The President’s atheist critics have to shut up because no one wants to be called a Tea Bagger.  Let me assure you, Barack Obama is as born again as you are.  Again, not a word of this to anyone.

Rev. Jones: Thank you Bill.  I will pray for the President.  You know, all I wanted to do was keep that house of Satan in New York from desecrating the memory of those the Muslims slaughtered.  That dirty little Imam, or whatever he calls himself, told me personally that he would move it. And then he denied he said any such thing.  Doesn’t he know God hates it when unbelievers lie?

Sec. Gates: I understand that.  I hope you don’t take it too seriously when David and I accused you of putting the lives of our soldiers at risk.  We just put that out there to cover the fact that we didn’t want to have you spill the beans and reveal our true mission.  As you implied, God reserves a special love for those who lie for Christ.  You must agree that the death of a Christian soldier in the battle against the Devil is a martyrdom most favored by Jesus Himself.  As a commander in God’s army, I personally have sent so many good souls to paradise that I positively tear up at the thought.   And David Petraeus is definitely on board with the war against Islam too.

Rev. Jones: Can’t you do anything to keep these Godless Muslims out of our country and can’t you keep them from desecrating sacred ground with their filthy Mosque?

Sec. Gates: Terry, we have to go easy on this.  The President has tried to soft pedal the issue, hoping that if he does not speak loudly for the Imam that public pressure will do the work for him.  So far his plan has had positive results.  I’m sure you’ve seen the huge demonstrations against the Mosque in New York.  But, more to the point, don’t you see that getting our enemies riled works against our cause?

Rev. Jones: Well, when you put it that way, I guess I see your point.  I’m not going to shut up about these demons though or the fags in the military, or the abortionists or the…

Sec. Gates: I hear you Terry and so does the President.  He listens to all the true believers.  Hey, I’ve got to go.  You know there are wars to run.  Let me just leave you with this thought.  We must pick our battles carefully and we may lose a few.  Our President can’t look too eager to do what’s expected of him.  I’m not asking you to give up the good fight, just to be a little more prudent when is comes to stunts like this Koran burning thing.  Next time check with me on this stuff.  My secretary will give you a secure number.  Now go with God my friend.

Rev. Jones: Thanks Bob.  Bless you. And go with God yourself.

Sec. Gates: Amen, sir.

Sec. Gates: (putting Rev. Jones on hold—to secretary) Well shit, Helen.  Give the Goddamn mad Bible-thumper my red phone line.  I hope that shuts that crazy mutherfucker up for a while.  God bless him!  Things were so much easier with the Ray-Gun or even Dubya in charge. Well, back to the battle for Democracy—he-he.


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