Friday, January 18, 2019
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The Original Palm Pilot

A few words of advice for all you anti- Obama conservatives out there. Quit it with the whole teleprompter fixation, would ya?  Okay, okay, we get it, you don’t like the President. And you’ll throw the kitchen sink to attack him on everything under the sun; from being responsible for the recent rash of substandard Vermont maple syrup crops to the irksome infestation of grunge rock into country- western music all the way to wormy pears. Everything he stands for is bad, and everything he’s against is good. Got it.

But in order to avoid major mortification, you’ve got to stop with the “overly dependent on the teleprompter” charge. Please. Really. You need a new argument. And trust me, there’s a veritable plethora of opportunities available. Why don’t you make fun of the way he cocks his head and looks Messianically upward like he’s trying to catch the whisper of God on an errant zephyr? Or you could profess incredulity at the global- cooling shade provided by his overlarge ears or remark on how he’s such a conciliator he probably clogs up the express lane for hours while dithering over the dilemma of “paper or plastic.”

I’m serious here, and only trying to help. You look like idiots. For one thing, Everybody uses a teleprompter. No. No. No. EVERYBODY. I’m talking CEOs, news anchors, dog- catchers, dog- throwers, late night talk show hosts and every politician on the face of the planet. When Glenn Beck spits contempt at the president’s lame reliance on a teleprompter he’s reading his criticism… off a teleprompter.

A teleprompter is a tool. Like rolling notes. It’s the words that count. You might as well castigate cooks and chefs for their preposterous dependence on pots. What is it with fireman and their hoses? Ski poles are obviously snow crutches and anyone using them at the Olympics should be disqualified. And shot. Or are you just emulating Emerson by eschewing the foolish consistency that is the hobgoblin of little minds?

I assumed that the President’s appearance in front of a group of Republican congressmen answering questions would put a stop to this ludiculous charge, since he skated for an hour and a half without benefit of notes or teleprompter or transmitter hidden under the back of his suit coat. But, no. You guys are like a pit bull with an invisible chew toy.

At the recent Teabagger convention, which is like saying Republicans squared (uber elephants,) Sarah Palin gave a speech mocking the President for using a teleprompter, while she was wearing crib notes inked on her hand. Talk about the Bering Sea calling the Chicago River moist. Hypocrite, or retro techno geek? After all, what are notes on a hand besides a fifth grade teleprompter? Hey, Sarah, so how’s that inky- palmy thing working out for ya?

She had the words “energy,” “tax cuts,” and “lift American spirits” written in Sharpie right on her left god- given palm pilot. Apparently, she wrote her core beliefs on her hand as a way to emphasize them. Either that, or she was trying to provide her detractors and Katie Couric with indisputable proof that indeed she can read. Oh wait, I think I’m starting to get it. I guess I got a chew toy too.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. Of which this would be a conspicuous example.

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