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Alternative Fucks

Kellyanne Conway

by Walter A Davis

Time and place: FEB.5, 2017: The Fecal Bowl

[This is a DRAFT in images of what will form the substance of my next play. It is in 3 acts. (1)The Coin Toss (2) Halftime Ceremony (3) The Lombardi Trophy.]

The Coin Toss

(Early Sunday Morning the President by Executive Action proclaimed Super Sunday a Holy Day of Obligation, religious observation thus commanded of all Amerikans.)

President Trump bares his ass on the fifty yard line. After a few wiggles, he squats and straining relieves himself of a rather large turd. He then tosses the coin, both teams gathered around him. The coin falls in the turd which becomes an expanding blob, like an amoeba or a complete growing, spreading.

The only way to stop it is to retrieve the magic coin. Thus begin the epic games, closely modeled on the second book of Pope’s Dunciad. Eventually all football players are beneath the shit, from which one returns, Tom Brady, rising triumphant in the position of Christ on the Cross, the coin—somewhat soiled—between his shiny shark-like teeth. Let the games begin, he mumbles. After which the first half.

Halftime Ceremony

Over the loud-speaker the announcement that the expected halftime show with Lady Gaga has been cancelled. Gaga found guilty of Political Correctness, especially toward LBGT community.

In her place a processional of the saved, to music from Wagner’s Parsifal. Led by Jared Kushner and Tony Kushner, clothed in white, the long processional of those who, thanks to Mike Pence and Jerry Falwell, have been cured of their homosexuality. They stand before a high altar. On which the first number: Betsy DeVos singing “School Days” followed by a dancing rendition with Kellyanne Conway of “Let’s all sing like the Birdies sing: Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet.”

After which Steve Bannon, pruning shears in hand, to perform new rite of circumcision on the saved: a vasectomy (“just in case” conversion falters), after which they ascend the papal throne where Mike Pence sits on Peter’s Chair, wearing Mitre borrowed from Jude Law. He proceeds to anoint the saved with the blood of A lamb (steaks of which available for purchase from trump Inc. after the game). The sign of their salvation, blazed in blood across each brow, Pence using a paint brush for the purpose, the Z, mark of Zorro.

After which the second half.

The Lombardi Trophy

Helicopter One descend, bearing the statue of Liberty, planted on the 50 yard line. Rather than a lamp, in her hands a sparkler. Mired firmly in the remains of the presidential feces, the statue, as in Shakespeare’s Winter Tale, comes to life. The sparkler begins to twirl, then sets off flares which burst in fireworks display over the stadium. A great wind then begins to play at Lady Liberty’s skirts. They balloon upward to her terrified then laughing gaze as she becomes Marilyn Monroe reborn in that famous scene from the Seven Year Itch.

It is too much for our President. At his command invisible strings pull this marionette woman down where she lies spread wide, a Venus in tatters. To the cheers of the crowd Trump grabs her by the p…y, then overcome greedily goes down on her. The last thing anyone sees is his huge ass covering the entire TV screen, with on it these words from Eliot’s Four Quartets tattooed: In my end is my beginning.  

Walter A. "Mac" Davis is an American philosopher, critic, and playwright. He is Professor Emeritus of English at The Ohio State University and the author of eight books. Davis has also taught at the University of California, Santa Barbara


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